< This story begins with Christopher Colombus.
< Colombus was the first Italian to dream of going to America.
<America was his obsession.
< We could say that he was born with the American dream.
< Even nowadays many Europeans are born with the American dream.
< This dream is expressed in different ways.
< For example, with whole-meal cooking diets.
Today is an even day: Appetizer of 2-row carrots,
wheat cereal with honey, and asparagus dipped in molasses...
- Any fruit? - Grapefruit juice with salt and pepper.
Grapefruit juice,
with salt... and pepper.
< The American dream can also be expressed
by means of noisily chewing hole-shaped candies at the movies.
< Or by means of a poorly-hidden desire to imitate
the most intense expresions of some famous Hollywood star.
< So many Europeans dream of going to America!
< America, full of charms!
< Of amazing lights!
< While all the Americans dream of travelling to Rome,
there in Trastevere lives the only American man
who dreams of going to America.
< He's a weird American guy, born and bred in Trastevere: Nando Mericoni.
< He's the robust young man you can admire in this picture.
< Those are not his real muscles, they belong to the winner
of some American competition with the title of "Mister Universe".
< This is his room. Small and simple,
but Nando likes it because all he needs is there.
< American flags, Western cartoons, baseball gloves
and Betty's pictures with dedication... written by Nando himself.
< The only things in the house that Nando can't turn American
are his parents.
- That's it...! - Augusto, can't you sleep?
No, thinking about that scoundrel, past midnight he's still outside!
- He's not my son! - Calm down, you have asthma!
My asthma is his fault!
Sandro's son got a job at the post-office and he's just 20 years old!
When his father retires, they won't have money problems!
- But Nando... Nando... - Augusto, take care!
But Nando...that's why I got asthma!
- What would be of Nando without my job? - He's still young!
- perhaps because he's so crazy... - He's stupid!
What can you expect from him? He wants to be an artist, a dancer!
He works for two days and wastes his time for two months!
He wants to be American! But Americans have money!
I'll give him a lesson tonight... ..that American!
Every night the same story! Where does he go? What does he do?
- Calm down! - Where does he go? Where?
No use looking for help in that direction.
Before Wing arrives in town, Hopalong Cassidy will be a dead man.
SHOTS
What are you going to do?
Before I kill you tell me something, Cassidy.
I don't like to make the same mistake twice.
While you were having breakfast I got a gun with blank shots.
SHOTS
(What a movie! See how they killed Joe?)
(It was Jim. See how he strangled him?)
(Just like a steel lock.)
Eh, dark-hair! Dark-hair, I'm talking to you, come on!
Time to go! Every night the same story!
- I must go, I can't wait for you! - (IN AMERICAN) Shut up!
- I'll kill you! - Me? I'll smash your face!
"Gattomammone", I saw you. You were pretending to read!
You're a spy! Talk!
Talk! Bang! Bang! Bang!
I'll have to kill you.
STEPS
Somebody's coming! It was you, you talked!
Take that! Bang!
I must hide.
I'm joking.
It's not loaded.
It's legal!
I'm joking! I'm joking!
They're not loaded, I have them for protection.
If some freak, you never know...
Dad!
I live in this 'house', this is my place.
- You lazy..! - Hello, daddy!
My daddy, he's joking! There's a night caretaker.
He gave me keys. Quiet, daddy. Everybody knows you, don't they?
I'm an adult. I can come home whenever I want.
I can even get back at 3 a.m.! I'm over 21.
(AUGUSTO) Don't mind him, he's just stupid!
Bang!
(POLICE) You scoundrel! Stop bothering me!
Why should I get such a stupid son?
- What happened? - He's even making fun of the police!
I want to sleep! Sleep!
I'm going to sleep.
Think you can catch me, eh? I can kill you!
I'll kill you all! Right, call Joe!
MACCARONI! That's peasant food!
I don't eat MACCARONI, I'm American!
Red wine? I don't drink red wine!
- Americans don't drink wine and don't eat MACCARONI! - I'm going to sleep.
Americans eat JAM. That's American food!
Yogurt, MUSTARD... that's how the Americans beat the Apache!
Americans don't drink wine, they drink milk!
That's why they don't get drunk! Have you ever seen a drunk American?
I've never seen one. Americans are strong.
WOW, those Americans!
You can't fight the Americans! They eat JAM!
MACCARONI, I'll kill you!
Stop staring at me like that!
You look like a worm, MACCARONI. Now this is American food!
Yogurt, JAM, MUSTARD...
'MUSTARD'.
FAKE AMERICAN... 'Mustard'.
Some milk.
That's what the Americans eat. Good, healthy food.
MACCARONI.
Gee, that's disgusting!
The Americans...
MACCARONI, you provoked me and now I'll destroy you!
I'll eat you!
This is for the cat.
This is for the rat.
This is to kill bugs.
And I'll drink milk.
I'm American.
Worm, I'll eat you.
- Can you hear him? - Calm down. - I'll kill him!
- Let's sleep. - Ok.
(IN AMERICAN) Five, five, four, five, three.
TELEPHONE RINGING
- I'ts the Chambers! - That's so annoying!
There must be elections! Where are my trousers?
- Hello? - (IN AMERICAN) Hello? 55543?
I say 55543?
Is this the Chambers? Yes, I'm the Minister, Mr. Borgiani. Who's speaking?
Sandy Bailors, America ATTRESCION.
- Must be the American embassy. - At this hour? - American time!
- It must be the crude oil commission. - Let me listen.
Yes, (IN FRENCH) Yes, I'm Mr.Borgiani.
(NANDO) Who gives a damn? I want to talk to Elvy.
But who is it?
Elvy! Elvira! Is Elvira there? I'm Nando, her boyfriend.
Scoundrel! I'll report it to the Chambers!
Bothering an official after midnight! You jerk!
Go jump! Quiet, you understand? (FAKE AMERICAN) Shut up!
You hung up!? Did you hang up on Sandy Bailors?
- What did he want? - I don't know him!
- Who did he want to speak to? - Someone called 'Elvira'. - Elvira is our new maid!
Maids don't receive phone calls so late at night!
Listen, We've changed maids six times this year - she's the only good one!
I stay home with the kids while you go to Parliament...
- Do you think I have fun at Parliament? - Who knows?
TELEPHONE RINGING
- You answer! - If the electors would know that!
Hello? Is it for Elvira? Wait a moment, I call her.
- Happy now? - Sure.
BELL
Mr Borgiani, you're finished! You've made a big mistake.
Did you hang up on me?
No one hangs up on Nando Mericoni.
If you're sorry, I'll forgive you, my dear Mr Borgiani.
(IN AMERICAN) Elvy, my dear!
Nando, you shouldn't disturb the Minister so late at night!
No disturbance!
Don't worry, my Elvy, I've calmed him down.
Tomorrow is a great day.
It's going to be a big show. Italy will know who Sandy Bailors is.
Who's Sandy Bailors?
That's me. The new star: Nando Mericoni, alias Sandy Bailors.
I'll see you tomorrow at the gala show. Dress nice.
It's going to be exciting.
I'll dance like Gene Kelly.
SINGING IN FAKE AMERICAN
Nando, you even sing at night!
- Go to sleep. - Sleep? - Yes.
- Just listen to him! - Try to sleep.
IMITATING DOUBLE-BASS SOUND
- Nando, go to sleep! - Mamy, aren't you sleeping?
- Dad's very angry, and he's right! - When we go to America,
the black woman will be singing old songs about cotton fields.
- Be quiet! SINGING A GOSPEL SONG
# Halleluia! Halleluia! #
- Mamy, "the water"! - What's this thing?
It's an American invention. See the tap? See this tube?
All the offices on 5th Av have one. Pure, sterilized, American...
- Gee, that's disgusting! - Can't you ever be serious?
- Mamy, daddy, I love you. - Stop it!
Put down that thing! Club, Mamy.
This club is going to be signed by Joe Di Maggio.
- Do you know who he is? - Nando!
- You don't know who Joe Di Maggio is? - Nando!
It's complicated. Joe Di Maggio is a young Italian man
- who moved to Kansas City... when he was a kid. - Always this Kansas City!
This kid took a club... and married MARILINA.
I wish I had moved to Kansas City!
But scarlet fever prevented me.
Can you remember, Mamy?
Hello, daddy?
Don't bother Mamy.
- (IN AMERICAN) Mamma, are you sleeping? - Go to bed.
SINGING A LULLABY IN FAKE AMERICAN
What's up? Let me go!
- What are you doing? Stop it! - I'll kill you!
You're hitting me with Joe Di Maggio's club!
You'll pay dearly for that!
You'll see!
Sooner or later you'll hear about me!
MUSIC
If this tough guy can make it to America...!
Did you want to beat me? You can't, I have 'strong legs'...!
(IN AMERICAN) Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Stop!
- Do you want to see the figures? - Sure.
- Who's shouting? - No big deal, that's Mericoni.
That loser who came begging for a job?
Remember my image, this dirty theatre is just a start.
When I come in like Gene Kelly, you should fly like Rita Hayworth.
But all you can do is fall on me! You're so clumsy!
- You know what I say? Up yours! - I'm the Italian Gene Kelly!
- Gene what? - The Italian Gene Kelly!
- Whatever I do is out of sacrifice and self-abnegation.
Your company might be as contagious as a virus!
I'm sorry, but you are really bad!
- Who are you? - (TOGETHER) The "sister".
Where do they come from?
Girls, you're always looking down at your shoes!
I'm here because my father wants me to,
otherwise I'd be in Broadway and not in this lousy joint!
- This theatre is a pigsty. - What is it? - A pigsty!
- Armando, get rid of him immediately. - "Mister Commenda", I was joking.
- Quiet, get out of here. - I was only joking.
- This is a famous great theatre. - Get out! - I was joking.
- Go away! - We're working on a very difficult show with the girls.
- Well, I want foreign girls. - Then they're what you really need.
- So... - They look foreign and all different.
The first two are gammy, the ones in the middle are cross-eyed, so...
- Don't mind him. - I'm illustrating the show.
- We're busy. - What do you want, I don't even know you!
Then we have the fanatic soubrette, but I can master her, because she'll...
I don't give anything.
- How dare you? - I'm only joking. - You beggar!
- Give him 2.000 liras. - Let's do 2.500, 2 soups each, we are eight.
Ok, but you play the show with the lights on, I want to see your stuff.
Sure. At 'nut-seller' rhythm!
Sandy Bailors the nut-seller!
- I can't stand this! - (NANDO) Cheer up, girl!
FAKE AMERICAN SINGING
Stop! Everybody stop!
We'll get an ovation. That's sure.
O.K.? We'll get an ovation.
MUSIC
Elvy!
WHISTLING
I'll come in - Gene Kelly style.
That's my boyfriend. Cute, isn't he?
FAKE AMERICAN SINGING
Nando, what are you doing? Get off!
- Who's he? - That's Mericoni.
Nut-seller! Nut-seller!
PRRR
LAUGHING
Are they laughing? Start over again, girls!
PRRR Are you talking to me?
You're 21 and it's time to know who your parents are.
- Is that your boyfriend? - Congratulations!
Elvira!
"Good-bye, good-bye".
You make me feel so embarrassed!
Don't get me going.
Sandy Bailors won't accept this humiliation.
Tomorrow you're going to rehearse until your bones hurt!
- There is no tomorrow. Get rid of him. - What?
"Mister Commenda", what do you mean? It's just for 2 days!
Damn! My father wants me to be here!
(Nando, where are you going?) (I don't know, I can't stand all this.)
(Your place is in America, here they can't understand you.)
(Stop! Look!)
(This is the story of a young American man,)
(who in order to get what the world wouldn't give him,)
(climbed on top of a skyscraper,)
(and said: "I'm gonna jump if you don't give me what I want.")
(What do you think? Any ideas?)
(Do you want to try it?)
(Just climb a height and they will listen to you. They have to!)
Listen to me! Can you hear me?
People of Rome, you're all at my feet!
Listen! I must go to America!
I've climbed all the highest monuments in the world!
- Who's that? - perhaps it's just advertising.
- Come down. - Send me to America or I'll jump!
- Listen! - Let me go!
- Who's he? - I'm the father of that madman!
Nando! Nando, what are you doing?
Come down!
You! What do you want, 'father'? Let me be.
Come down! Nando, come down!
Soon 'my father', your 'boy' will go to America!
Come down, I won't harm you.
What do you say? Speak louder, I can't hear you! What?
Oh God! My son!
So. Are you feeling better?
- My God! - What's up? - My son is going to jump down!
- He won't jump, he wants to go to America. - It's an obsession!
- Since when? - More than 10 years ago.
Since the German occupation!
Do you remember those bad times?
Every night I locked him in his room to keep him out of trouble.
- One night... TELEPHONE RINGING
- Hello? - Dad, it's Nando.
You should be in your room! You scoundrel!
I'm at the junkyard. We're arranging our plan.
Let me see.
It's time. Behind me is my band.
- What are you doing? - One day you'll know and you'll be proud of me.
I can't tell you now,
but I'm organizing something that'll be known all over the world.
Really? Take good care, you're the only son we have.
Goodbye, dad, I must go. Say hi to Mamy.
- Augusto, what's up? - Once my son was a child,
- but now he's a man. - What he's going to do?
He can't tell me on the phone. Perhaps it's something dangerous,
but good for the Country. Something heroic!
JAZZ MUSIC
As soon as the Americans arrive, we'll go to Broadway!
- O.K. Boys? - (TOGETHER) O.K.!
- If we wait for the Americans, it will takes 50 years - Shut up.
They're nearly here! (IN AMERICAN) One, two, three!
SPEAKING IN GERMAN
ORDERS IN GERMAN
The Americans were nearby, were they?
PLANE NOISE
1,2,3,4,5!
They're meant to bomb the Headquarters but they're getting close to us.
Shut up! Shut up!
They know what to do! Americans are never wrong!
The planes are aiming and...
- And 'bombing' us! - Did they bomb us? They did!
ORDER IN GERMAN
Yes, yes, you wanker.
I didn't mean in a bad way...
They won't win this war, they can't master the language.
On the contrary, the Americans... Zac!
- The Americans are only 3km away. - Yes, since three months ago!
They're taking their time, waiting.
So I'll master the language, by the time they arrive,
- I won't have any problems. - Can you speak the language? - Sure.
SINGING IN FAKE AMERICAN
Nothing... you're still a wanker!
- These are silly songs. - Silly songs? I can translate...
SPEAKING FAKE AMERICAN
- Tonight you must go to Tullio's place. - Who's he?
The radio-technical they caught because he got a radio.
- He's made another one. - To hear voices from America? - Yes.
- The Jazz! - What jazz, you stupid!
- Tullio wants to talk to the Americans. - Really? - Yes.
- Tonight we'll go at Tullio's. - Ok.
Here he is! Joe!
Joe, I'm here! Sandy Bailors is here!
Bomb the Headquarters!
Bomb the Headquarters like in American movies. 1,2,3,4,5!
- WOW! - They got us again.
No, mistake of "seven" instead of "five".
What's going on with Germany! Joe, you are great!
ORDERS IN GERMAN
Cicalone!
- Cicalone, wow... - Ssshh!
- Tullio, we have an interpreter. - He's an American prisoner.
SPEAKING FAKE AMERICAN - I don't understand anything.
- (NANDO) Radio. - Yes, radio!
- I MADE this radio in three months. - "Three months".
- Lot of work. - Little valves?
- Yes, 4 valves. - "Four".
- Stuff stolen from the camp toilets. - "Water closet"!
- Swiped away. - SWIPED AWAY! - He got it!
Wow! You sure did rob those poor Germans!
- Who are you? - Who am I?
- You're not American! - Leave me alone, I'm Sandy Bailors!
I was stopped by the Germans.
I'll talk to the Americans because I can master the language.
- Hello, America? - Sshh!
- Sandy Bailors Corporation speaking. - This isn't a joke!
I'm not joking! I can talk because I can speak the language.
- One moment! - What's up?
- I've something for you. - For me? What is it?
- Take this. - Thanks,what should I do with this?
- It's the wire for the radio. - The radio?
Yes, you should plug it into the power cable.
- Me? - Yes. - Sandy Bailors?
I'm going out, roll on the ground, grope like a snail...
- Mind the Germans, they are shooting. - At me?
- If they see you. - The Germans? To Sandy Bailors?
- Is it an heroic act? - Sure.
- I'm going. - Go. - I'm going.
- Do you want to go? - Go!
WHISTLING MARINES ANTHEM
- Three months of work! Who is he? - Don't worry.
The snail's gonna plug the wire into the power cable.
Where's the cable? Here it is.
LOUD SPEAKER WHISTLE
I unplug everything.
There it is. Gosh!
There, it must be you. Gosh, the shock!
GERMAN SPEAKING
- Mission accomplished. - We should be on their same radio signal.
Tell them that the German Santabarbara is under the Red Cross curtains.
- Can they hear me? - Sure.
WHISTLE - (FROM LOUDSPEAKER) Can they hear me?
America, Sandy Bailors speaking. America, can you hear me?
- Yes, but you must transmit in American. - O.K.
America, listen this.
UNINTELLIGIBLE AMERICAN
Put a towel on your head, or they can see the light from outside.
UNINTELLIGIBLE AMERICAN
siren
The alarm! The Americans are coming! Our guys are arriving!
Finally!
Let's go toward the Headquarters.
Block them here until we are back.
You COMPRESCION? ATTENDESCION.
NANDO SINGS MARINES ANTHEM
HE PRETENDS TO SING IN GERMAN
Master, the Iron Pact? There is the Axis!
Let's cheer to victory! Let's forget!
PRETENDS TO SING IN GERMAN
I was cheering to victory.
What happened? Master! Where are you going?
My God! They are going to kill me!
Damn!
God, I'm scared! My blood's running cold!
We need to find a solution. They want to kill me, Adolfo.
You must help me, the world is little, we'll meet again.
My father is a Post officer, you might need him one day.
I'm scared!
Let me go!
- (IN AMERICAN) Well? - A hug! I take a cigar.
In the American movies, when somebody gets into his office, he grabs a cigar.
AMERICAN SPEAKING
What is he saying?
You are guilty of sabotage, of espionage
and opposition to the American troops.
You are condemned to execution.
- Execution? Who? - You.
Me?
Are you kidding? You are kidding!
You kidding! Tell him! You are my friend!
Master, I've been a scout, I climbed mountains.
I had scarlet fever for three years.
I'm full of blisters. Look. Are you kidding?
I'm Fred Astaire's friend. Do you know him?
They call me the Italian Gene Kelly.
If I hadn't been that sick! Look, this is my show...
SINGING IN FAKE AMERICAN
I can't make a pirouette because my blood's getting cold.
Send him to the criminal asylum in Antwerp.
- Nando, what are you doing up there? - He's up there!
- Are you his girlfriend? - No, we just made love.
- Ah! - He was singing all the time and didn't want to marry me.
Singing? He's dancing now!
- Nando, wait! - Witless. Stupid!
Keep them away!
You poltroon, you fainted!
- Is he going to get hurt, if he falls? - No, he will die.
- You distract him. - Nando, can you see me?
- Come down, funny guy! - Nando, come down.
Look in what conditions is your "love", on top of the Colosseum!
Go away, I don't want to see you anymore.
That's not my fault if you are up there, is it?
This is family business. Please, distract him.
- Nando, come down! - No! I won't.
You're my only love.
- He's my only love. - That's family business.
I don't like that movies guy, he's a peasant.
"I don't like him"! How nice of you!
Damn you and the peasant!
Today he's a peasant, yesterday he was Gedeone,
the man with lion's paws.
Nothing! I don't believe you!
- Well? - It's Nando's fault if they fire me
from the Minister's house. I'm their maid.
Last Sunday he brought me home too late.
Nando wanted to go to Ostia, to the beach.
He came with his motorbike and scared me.
- Nando, not so fast! - Elvy, this is my 'Silver Dart'.
This is my racing cycle!
- Did you steal it? - No, the sheriff of Kansas City sold it to me,
the one working at the junkyard.
With this 'card' don't I look like a POLIS "street"?
- Stop it! - Aahh!
Did I scare you?
- See you at San Diego. Bye! - I'm getting off!
- What's going on over there? - None of your business!
A truck is blocking the way of an American car!
- I'll help! - None of your business. - It's my job.
Hello, Joe. I'll let you pass.
- Stay away, shorty! - Shorty?
- Let's go! - What do you want? Who are you?
- Sandy Bailors from the police of Kansas City! - Who cares!
- Let me pass. - I can't! - Don't bother. Go!
- We'll meet again! - "Come on"!
VOICES OVERLAPPING
Hold on!
- Hold on! - you're crazy!
CAMAN, CAMAN, "Help" America!
I did him a favor and now he'll be my friend forever.
You want me dead!
- Come on, don't waste time. - Calm down, Elvy!
We're lucky because we know two Americans. They're from Washington.
SPEAKING IN FAKE AMERICAN
Wow, what a car! Silver Dart!
Yes, sir. Kansas City Police.
"You" no UNDERSTAND American.
I get it. There are women here, Calm down.
"Fish".
Gee, you're so ugly!
I get it, fish! You want to eat fish.
You want river fish. I'm going to explain to you.
Hurry up, don't be stupid!
ATTENSCION. You 'take' your STRIT, you can't get WRONG.
All right?
In that LOCALITESCION there is Osteria dello Zozzetto.
Don't turn right, there is Maranella ravine.
SUMMARIESCION. You follow your MEN and can't get there WRONG.
In that LOCALITESCION there is Osteria dello Zozzetto.
Thanks, but I'm working. Kansas City policemen don't smoke.
O.K. Don't turn right, there is the Maranella ravine.
- Stop being silly, let's go. - O.K.
Not on the right!
American, why did you turn right?
ATTENSCION!
There is the Maranella RAVINE! He wants to die!
- Let's go, they'll arrest you for culpable homicide. - Shut up!
WHEELS SCREECH
We lost the American. American!
SIREN
American, I'm here!
AMERICAN SPEAKING
"You" DED? Are you dead, American?
- That's serious! - The American is stuck!
- Let's go! - No, I already realized about the disaster.
This is a typical disaster of American movies.
American, I'm coming!
What do you want? I'm having a snack.
Don't worry walrus, I'll rescue you.
AMERICAN SPEAKING
I can't understand, what do you want?
Some music? I`ll cheer you up, American.
SINGING UNINTELLIGIBLE AMERICAN
Damn American! Are you an animal?
You bite? American, I can beat you the James Cagney's way!
I got you, American.
American, what's up? Wow, he's sleeping!
Ammazza, what a blow! James Cagney's way! You're piece of wood!
Wow, what a bang!
AMERICAN SPEAKING
Shut up, stupid, he's sleeping! He can't hear you.
I'm going to give a call the person in charge, American way!
Elvy, I'm going to make a call, and be back soon.
Hello?
Hello? Hello? Hello?
It's me, I was saying "hello" in American.
I have great news.
- I have an 'ace' of a story. - Ace? What is he talking about?
(NANDO) We just saw a great crash.
Location Maranella ravine. Yes, Maranella ravine.
Hello? An American guy has a foot stuck under the car.
Yes, that's great. I'll keep him until you arrive!
Tell the press, the media, BBC, CCD, DDT,
the storyteller, the ice-cream man, the carousel, set a party!
A real 'ace! Wow, what an ace!
Sure, we'll bring the cameras, the media, the nut-seller.
Maranella Ravine? I'll personally take care about the DDT.
Don't worry, goodbye.
- Nando! - Wow, what a blow!
Did you abandon them? You should stay here!
we'll end up in jail!
- No problems, I know what to do. - I saw the police!
SIREN
No police, it's the Red Cross!
- They're taking away the American! - The American?
There inside? Are they taking away the American?
Damn, they took away the American!
(NURSE) Don't move, it's worse! Don't worry!
- They took away the American! - The police! Can you hear the sirens?
- The police! They're after me! - Let's go!
Come on, "darling", let's find a shelter. They won't have me!
- Don't worry, we'll take you to Rome. - Let's give him some wine.
Did you see a young guy dressed like an American policeman?
We're after him too! Look what he did to my aunt!
- Alright. - Wait!
- If we find him, it's our duty to hold him! - Thanks.
- This could be crazy guy's motorbike. - Yes, he should be close. Look that way.
- Come, auntie, let's go. - Even the police are after him!
- I wonder what he did! - If I catch him,
he'll see...! Let's go!
There he is!
Shut up, they're after me.
The dwarf!
OVERLAPPING VOICES
siren
- There he is! - Catch him.
- Better talk to him again. - Get down!
No, do you have a passport?
Go up! Follow him! Damn you!
- (NANDO) Do you have the passport? - You, quick!
Where are you going?
Is it raining?
- Damn! - Stop!
Wow!
- Why did you stop? Get up! - He's spitting!
Who cares! Keep going up!
Stop being silly!
Calm down! I'm defending myself within the limits of democracy.
I use harmless weapons.
Stop it!
- Are you a real reporter? - Sure.
- Are you going to put me in the news? - Sure.
Write: Pellacchioni Romolo... di Pasquale.
Pel-lac-chio-ni.
As I told you, when the war with the Germans was over,
Nando started again with his obsession.
He tried to find a way to go to America.
< He had a great idea.
< He started to work with me in a place full of Americans.
All right? O.K.
They're always happy, they laugh...
They are NICE.
Cicalone, come here.
That American woman keeps staring at me.
This is my moment, I'll marry an American.
SINGING
(IN AMERICAN) It's wonderful!
You're beautiful.
"Wonderful girl", I was waiting for you.
- (IN AMERICAN) Perfect. - Yes.
I've been waiting for you 30 years. AMERICAN fairy.
My fairy.
Cicalone, she touched me! I feel like dying!
You're Chinese! Who cares, an American Chinese!
Where will you take me? To Kansas City? You're lucky!
I can tame the buffalo!
I'll break your neck! Yes, dear, tell your daddy!
- No. - (IN AMERICAN) Why not?
No! Even if you die!
(IN AMERICAN) You're the perfect type for my friend. - Why not?
I'm joking, just to make you jealous.
Look at my package!
Do you want a watch? You are so expensive! All right!
"Molly Brooke PANT." Is it your name? What are these?
10.000 liras? I'll keep them on my heart.
- (IN AMERICAN) Tomorrow at 5. - I've been waiting 30 years!
Good-bye, Molly. Good-bye, Brooke!
Cicalone, hurry up!
I knew! This is because I can master the language.
Molly Brooke PANT, it means panther.
- Did the panther gave these to you? - As per the MARRIOT. I'll marry her.
I'll buy a big American hat to fit in with my American family.
Cicalone, we just looked at each other and...
I stunned the panther.
Finally! Water has been coming out for 4 days!
We called at least 40 times! A pipe is leaking in that closet.
- A pipe is leaking? - Yes. - Who cares!
- Aren't you a plumber? - Did you see any tools?
- I'm a client! - Excuse me.
Young man, go away. For today it's enough.
This is Mr Cicalone, he is qualified.
Excuse me, do you need anything?
I'm going to marry an American woman, I need everything.
I understand...football pools.
Football pools? I don't like him, he doesn't look American.
- Then you would spend the 10.000 liras. - Cicalone, shut up!
The 10.000 liras are an advance! When she marries me...
- Are you sure she'll do that? - She has to!
Because of the Kansas City nuptial bond!
I don't want to end it up like in "Roman Holidays".
A weird princess meets PEKKE at the Roman Forum,
she 'kisses him' all night long and then abandons him.
But you can't abandon Sandy Bailors, you marry him!
She will take this great guy with her to Kansas City.
Our latest creations. We can offer you very nice things.
Popelyne, rayon, very nice things.
- Laatest arrivals from Paris. - What about from Massachusetts? Kansas City?
- We don't have clients over there. - Then I don't like this stuff.
I wanted to show some models..
I need American stuff, big hats, 'big clothes',
You don't need the rope, the mask and the revolvers.
- I need this kind of stuff. - But we don't have it!
Are you joking? We don't have that stuff!
- (NANDO) I don't need it! - Take your hands off!
- My magazines! I want American stuff! - Go away!
I'm going to marry an American girl!
OVERLAPPING AMERICAN VOICES
Hello! "Please", where's Molly Brooke?
(NANDO) Shall I go on?
Wow, nice place! Typical house of American movies!
"American house, Italian spouse."
Molly Brooke. Molly Brooke.
- (IN AMERICAN) Who are you? - Sandy Bailors from Kansas City.
I'm here for Molly Brooke.
"Look" at this big hat for the great occasion...
You don't care at all!
Is it the atomic bomb box?
I can hear the... TBC...
Wow, are you a porcupine?
It's some sort of a message?
MUSIC
Is this a musical?
O.K., where is Molly Brooke?
I would like to meet Molly Brooke's parents...
Empty glasses? This is an insult!
An empty glass for Sandy Bailors?
I'll fill it up! Free 'drinks'!
They're going to be really drunk! What a drink!
FAKE AMERICAN
Why are you taking it away?
- AMERICAN TALKING. - (NANDO) Doctor Jekyll?
- AMERICAN TALKING. - (NANDO) I'll kill you!
- AMERICAN TALKING. - (NANDO) Did you draw squares?
(NANDO) I was drawing that in pre-school...
- AMERICAN TALKING. - I throw them away.
- No! - Doctor Jekyll, I'll follow you to the roof!
(NANDO) Your hair is falling on your forehead!
- (IN AMERICAN) There you are! - Hello, Molly! - He's my man.
See? Your 'boy' is here.
What are you doing, Molly? The long hair guy cost me 10.000 liras!
Who are these people? Molly, I'll spank you!
NANDO SPEAKS FAKE AMERICAN MOLLY ANSWERS IN AMERICAN
- They came here to greet the POPE. - Are they pilgrims?
- Molly's POPE. - Her father!
Hello! I'm Sandy Bailors from Kansas City.
Don't worry, I'm a good man!
It was love at first sight!
I'm a good guy, my father is an officer at the Post office.
AMERICAN SPEAKING
UNINTELLIGIBLE AMERICAN
What did he say?
- When everybody leaves... - Everybody!
You will do...a good job.
Bertuccia, no need to tell me. I know what to do.
- Is daddy leaving too? - No, he wants to see. He pays.
He wants to see what his daughter has learnt.
Molly so delicate, so shy.
Can't do anything in front of the other people.
- What do you mean? - Could you do it in public?
Bertuccia, I can put you in jail. You dirty man!
you and Dr Jekyll will go to jail!
I'll tear all your hair off!
You dirty!
AMERICAN TALKING
(IN AMERICAN) Take off your clothes.
- Take them off! - Darling, look into my eyes.
When you invited me here,
what were you thinking?
- (IN AMERICAN) I don't understand. - 'What'?
Who do you think I am? I read the news!
I can't allow strange things happening in my house!
First you marry me and then I'll 'clear away' everyone.
Everybody!
I'm going to drink a... Kansas City drink.
And start to be the boss, right away.
Finally I'm... Nobody's going to move me away!
Wow, what a place!
When you looked me with those Chinese little eyes,
I noticed that you had a secret desire.
But, like in the American movies,
I'll take my pillow and go to sleep in the hallway.
AMERICAN SPEAKING - Don't touch me. Calm down!
I won't get naked in this place not for any reason!
I get naked only when I take a bath!
First you've got to marry me, and see the priest with the big necktie!
SINGING WEDDING TUNE - Aaah!
I'm joking.
He's having a crisis. - 'Daddy'!
You're paid to work with my daughter, take off your clothes!
I suspect you're not the father, but just a pander!
- Take off your clothes! - Do you want to fight?
I'm not armed.
SPEAKING UNINTELLIGIBLE AMERICAN
BLOW
(IN AMERICAN) I had to do it. - Take off his clothes!
The tramp! Doctor Jekyll! Where am I?
Hell...!
AMERICAN SPEAKING
I'm naked! I'm naked!
They got Sandy Bailors naked!
They got me naked in this house of sin!
I got naked only in the pool! You dirty..!
Did you take pictures of me?
Dirty..! Go away, you pander!
Do you want to make postcards with Sandy Bailors naked?
You'll go to jail! I'll see you in court!
OVERLAPPING VOICES
(IN AMERICAN) Police, can you come to via Margutta?
It's the body of evidence, it's the naked body of Nando Mericoni!
I'm going out and...
(NANDO) Open the door, you dirty..!
Police...
I hate you! Open up!
I wanted to get out, but they tricked me.
Wow, is that the ghost ship? What a mast!
I'm like a bird in a cage!
A window!
I'll jump on the roof!
Onto the roof,I'll claim your shame!
The sun! I'm free!
- Are you ready? - Yes, it's all set.
We're online in two minutes.
- Mr Buonanotte, nš1 is ok, I'll check nš2. - O.K.!
Dad, let's watch Ruggero's show.
Damn! The break is the best bit!
Good morning, Fred Buonanotte speaking.
I'm always looking for new shows.
This time I've chosen for you the roofs of via Margutta.
(TV) A peaceful place where past meets future.
There are no words to describe
this view.
What a wonderful scene.
Disgusting!
Out of my way, please!
Here are the artists' houses, full of amazing colors
lying in front of the majestic Trinitā dei Monti.
Majestically surrounded by the Roman sunset.
I can see his little bum!
Disgusting!
They should always play the Rigoletto?
Cut off the naked man!
Get away! Fred, can you hear me?
Change camera!
(TV) The colorful shades of the sunset...
- it's him again! - Go away!
I bought this TV just to watch this garbage!
We` re sorry, for technical reasons,
we are forced to cut off the external shootings,
but keep on following Fred speaking!
We're in the house of the actress Astrid Siostron,
back after the birth of her last child.
Signora Siostron, anything to say?
Sure. I hope my Italian fans will forgive me
if I didn't act as much as promised.
But I made many children.
Thanks, madam. Mr Siostron... I'm sorry, Mr Verdolini.
Any news about your diecting career?
No news about my future work.
- I prefer to be considered as a happy father. - Sure.
This is a good occasion to introduce you to our last born.
- An 8 kilos baby. - Very good, let's see.
The fans will be happy to know.
You're going to meet a beautiful 8 kilos baby...
- (NANDO) Excuse me... - What's up?
Cut, cut!
I can't, it's stuck!
Damn!
Cut!
Fred Buonanotte speaking!
Go away!
Hello? One, two. One, two.
It`s not working?
The handcuffs are ready for him!
Mericoni, Ferdinando, can you hear me?
Got it, Mericoni Ferdinando speaking.
Who's speaking there.
I'm a very important person, I'm here to help you.
If you're coming down, I can help you to sail the ocean.
I'll pay for your trip.
Mericoni Ferdinando speaking: you don't fool me.
Then I'll send you to jail! Damn you!
He's here! Let him pass, he's American!
I'm the secretary of the American embassy.
We are here on behalf of the ambassador.
Tell him we're fixing the problem.
Handcuffs are ready.
- No handcuffs. - What?
No, I have a message from the ambassador.
- The ambassador? - Yes. - A peronal message?
To that damned, stupid acrobat?
So he won't do anything crazy
and to avoid political 'speculations'.
SO let's talk to the young man.
This is the microphone.
Mr. Bear will talk, from the American embassy.
If they are granting him a passport, I'll quit.
'You', America! You, 'very' America! O.K.!
AMERICAN SPEAKING
I'm talking on behalf of the American ambassador.
AMERICAN SPEAKING
The ambassador, touched by your wish to go to America,
so to maintain you life and enthusiasm,
is offering you a free trip, to the United States,
- where you will get also a job. - O.K.!
O.K., I'm coming! Fireman, help me!
America! # "Happy" ERBI "for you", happy ERBI for you... #
AMERICAN SPEAKING
With this generous action ...
APPLAUSES
AMERICAN SPEAKING
O.K.! O.K., boy!
AMERICAN SPEAKING
Nando, don't move! What's up?
What are you doing?
Nando, what's up?
< One moment, Mr Mericoni, calm down.
< You knew that Nando's craziness would bring out a tragedy.
< But perhaps this is just a comedy.
< A farce that fate turned into tragedy for our hero.
< What would have happened if the ambassador's representative
had not been the same one as at Maranella ravine?
< Not considering Nando his personal enemy,
he would have gone into his car,
giving him the nice usual speech,
mentioning Abraham Lincoln, George Washington...
Nando would have gone to America,
to vent out his desires.
12, 27, 98, 41. 12, 27, 98, 41.
9, 8, 7, 4, 9. 8, 7, 12, 27, 98, 41.
< But reality is always different from dreams.
< But Nando's head is wrapped up in something unusual
about the real ending of this incredible event.
- After 10 days, is he going to wake up? - Soon, madam.
- Doctor, I have a private question. - Go ahead, ask.
- How long will it go on? - Don't worry.
- But I'm paying! - I understand, just a few days.
- Do we really need the nurse? - You'll never change!
- Fine! Doctor, I trust you. - He'll be home in a few days.
Doctor, I'm the father. Will he still act crazy, when he wakes?
- No, don't worry.
The shock gave him a neurosis.
- Compulsory! - Forced.
Won't he think of America anymore?
He won't, don't worry.
See, he's waking up.
- Nando, you're healed! - Mericoni! - Nando!
Let him rest, can you notice how peaceful he is? He's healed.
Bye, Nando.
(Nando, they say you really are healed.)
(Healed of what?)
FAKE AMERICAN WORDS